Escape to Paradise: Patong Buri Resort Awaits in Phuket!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving headfirst into the gloriously messy, sun-kissed world of the Escape to Paradise: Patong Buri Resort in Phuket! I'm talking unfiltered thoughts, quirky observations, and enough opinions to fill a Thai food cart. Forget the polished travel brochures – this is the real deal, warts and all. (And trust me, every resort has 'em. I'm still traumatized from that one… but I digress!)
First Impressions – Does it feel like Paradise?
Okay, let's get this out of the way: the name Escape to Paradise is a bold claim. Does Patong Buri actually deliver? Well, it's complicated. Getting there? Airport transfer was smooth, thankfully – because after a 14-hour flight, I wasn’t in the mood for a rickety tuk-tuk. (Getting Around: Airport transfer, Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Valet parking) The lobby? Impressive. The kind of impressive that makes you think, "Okay, maybe this is paradise." The exterior? Not quite as "gram-worthy" as the brochure suggested, but hey, who needs perfect Instagram angles when you're getting a real "escape."
Accessibility: Navigating the Terrain
Now, I didn’t specifically need to check accessibility features, but I took a peek. (Accessibility, Facilities for disabled guests, Elevator) It seemed pretty good! Elevators were definitely a plus, and the layout felt generally navigable. I couldn't give a firsthand account of full accessibility, but the presence of these features is a good sign.
Rooms: Where the Magic (and the Minor Annoyances) Happen
Alright, let's talk rooms. Mine, thankfully, was non-smoking, thank you very much. (Rooms Available in all rooms, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens). The air conditioning was a godsend, because, hello, Phuket humidity! The bed? Super comfy. Actually, it was too comfy. I almost missed my wake-up call that's what I like about that kind of bed. The blackout curtains? Crucial for beating jet lag. Small things add up, right? And the complimentary tea? Well, as a Brit, it's appreciated.
The Wi-Fi Saga – A Modern-Day Epic
Internet access. (Internet, Internet [LAN], Internet services, Wi-Fi in public areas, Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!) Oh, the Wi-Fi. Free Wi-Fi in the room, you say? Yes, technically. But the connection? Let’s just say it was a suggested connection more than a guaranteed one. My attempts at streaming a movie devolved into a series of buffering circles, which would inevitably lead to the infamous spinning wheel of death. Wi-Fi in public areas was generally better, but still, don’t plan on any important business calls from the pool. This is my main beef!!!
Cleanliness & Safety: Peace of Mind, or Paranoia?
The resort seemed clean, but you know how it is – once you start looking close, you start questioning everything. (Cleanliness and safety: Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hand sanitizer, Hot water linen and laundry washing, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Shared stationery removed, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment). They did seem to be taking things seriously, though. Hand sanitizer everywhere, masks on staff (mostly), and that ever-present faint smell of bleach. I felt safe enough, but if you're a germaphobe…maybe pack your own hazmat suit.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking – A Gastronomic Adventure… Mostly
Okay, food. This is where things get interesting. (Dining, drinking, and snacking: A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant). The breakfast buffet? Standard hotel fare. The usual suspects: eggs (cooked every which way), bacon (always crispy), and some questionable "fruit" options. The Asian breakfasts were, thankfully, far more adventurous. I dove headfirst into the curries and noodles. The poolside bar? Essential. Especially during happy hour. I sampled their margaritas – strong, and cheap, just how I like it. Room service was available 24 hours, which is fantastic if you're like me and have cravings at 3:00 am. I once ordered a club sandwich. Just saying.
A Deep Dive Into the Spa – My Own Personal Zen Disaster
Here's the story, and here's where things get raw. I'm going to highlight a single experience: The Spa. (Ways to relax:Body scrub, Body wrap, Foot bath, Massage, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Pool with view). I booked a massage. A "relaxing" massage, they said. I was picturing serene music, fragrant oils, and… well, you know. What I got? A masseuse who was clearly having a bad day. Picture this: the music kept skipping, the massage was more "knead and pummel" than "soothe and relax," and at one point, she actually yawned in my face. My zen levels plummeted faster than the stock market during a recession. I tried to stay positive, but I was fighting a losing battle. But on the other hand, the view from the massage room was SPECTACULAR. Overlooking the ocean. At least I had that. And hey, after the initial shock, I actually found it… kind of funny. A testament to my ability to find humour in my own misery. The sauna and steam room also looked inviting, but I was feeling pretty "massaged out" after that whole saga.
Things to Do… or Not
Things to do. That's the biggest question, right? And honestly, the resort's main offering feels like … chilling. (Things to do: Fitness center, Gym/fitness, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]). Two outdoor pools were there, which were great for the heat. The "fitness center"? I peeked in. It looked like a fitness center. Standard equipment. Not my thing. I did spend a lot of time just lounging by the pool, drinking overpriced cocktails, and reading. And you know what? It was exactly what I needed.
For the Kids & the Lovebirds (and Everybody Else)
They seemed family friendly. (For the kids: Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal). And there was a proposal spot. (Proposal spot) I saw a couple doing wedding pics. (Couple's room)*
Services and Conveniences: The Small Things That Matter
Some conveniences were great. (Services and conveniences: Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center) Contactless check-in/out was a plus. There was a convenience store. Daily housekeeping did their job. I felt like the staff were generally helpful.
The Verdict: Paradise Found (with a Few Bumps along the Way)
So, back to the original question: Does Escape to Paradise: Patong Buri deliver? Well, the name's a bit of a stretch. This place isn't perfect. The Wi-Fi is annoying. The spa experience was a disaster. But the location is great. The rooms are comfortable. The pools are lovely. The staff try their best. And Phuket itself? Stunning
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Patong Buri: My Phuket Rollercoaster (Probably with Sunburn)
Okay, strap in buttercups, because this ain't your glossy brochure Phuket trip. This is my Phuket trip. And frankly, it's already a bit of a disaster, in the best way possible. I booked the Patong Buri Resort, because, hey, the pictures looked gorgeous, the price was right, and the word "resort" just screams "lazy bum on a beach." Spoiler alert: I may have jumped the gun on the "lazy" part.
Pre-Trip Panic (aka, the Before Times):
- Months out: Obsessively scrolling through TripAdvisor reviews. "Cockroaches in room!" "Food poisoning!" "Loud music ALL NIGHT!" Okay, breathe. This is what travel insurance is for, right? Right???
- Weeks out: Start packing. Realize I own approximately zero appropriate swimwear. Commence frantic Amazon order for "flattering" one-piece (jury's still out on that one). Also, why does passport size always look like a prison mugshot?
- Days out: Actual panic. Did I remember to cancel my gym membership? Did I tell the cat sitter I was going away? Did I… oh god, did I leave the oven on? (Spoiler: I didn't. But the thought lingered.)
Day 1: Arrival and the Glorious/Terrible Reality
- Morning (ish): Flight. The usual: questionable airplane food, the guy snoring LOUDLY next to me, and the constant existential dread that comes with being crammed in a metal tube at 30,000 feet.
- Afternoon: Arrive in Phuket. Breathe in that humid, jasmine-scented air. Finally, freedom! Except… the immigration line is longer than the queue for the best rollercoaster at Disney. Also, holy humidity. I'm sweating in places I didn't even know existed.
- Late Afternoon: Patong Buri. "Okay, cute," I thought, as I went inside my room. The room itself? Actually pretty nice. Balcony overlooking the pool? Score! The aircon, however, is blasting like a polar vortex. (I’m never good with aircon). I spend a solid hour trying to adjust the temperature before giving up and just…leaving.
- Evening: First mission: find food. Second mission: don't get scammed. Third mission: survive. I stumbled upon a little street food stall selling Pad Thai. It was glorious. Sweet, spicy, salty, and utterly delicious. I ate it with a plastic fork in the humid, mosquito-ridden twilight. Worth it. Totally worth it. Almost choked on a particularly large piece of shrimp, which became my first of many "close calls" of the trip.
Day 2: Beach, Booze, and Regret (Maybe)
- Morning: Beach day! Finally! Found a beach chair and promptly passed out. Woke up with a mild sunburn and a sandy face. Note to self: Reapply sunscreen. Like, a LOT of sunscreen.
- Afternoon: Patong Beach. The waves? Actually monstrous. I attempt to body surf. Fail spectacularly. Swallow a concerning amount of saltwater. Decide to stick to sunbathing, which, let's be honest, is more my speed.
- Evening: Bangla Road. Oh. Em. Gee. It's exactly what I thought it would be: loud, neon-drenched, and a little bit…scary. I'm not sure what I expected, but the scantily clad ladies (and men!) and the constant shouts for "Ping Pong Show?" were a bit much to handle. I may have had one too many cocktails, fueled by a blend of nervous energy and genuine curiosity. Regret? Maybe. Entertained? Definitely. (I definitely didn't ask for ping pong)
Day 3: The Great Temple Escape and a Cooking Class that (Almost) Killed Me
- Morning: Headache of epic proportions. I'm pretty sure I spent too much time in the sun. And the cocktails. Ugh. Drag myself out of bed, and head out to the Big Buddha. The climb is steep. The sun is relentless. The views, though…breathtaking. Worth the hangover.
- Afternoon: Cooking class! I'm terrible in the kitchen – mostly because I get easily distracted and tend to over-season everything. But who cares? I did manage to make a decent (though still slightly over-spiced) green curry. The best part? Eating it!
- Evening: Decided to just hang out at the pool bar and recover from all the activities. Turns out the pool bar is where everyone hangs out, so I'm probably going to make a few more bad decisions, while I'm at it.
Day 4: Elephant Sanctuary - The Moment the Trip Became Real
- Morning: Changed my mind. I really didn't feel like seeing anything at this point, but I pushed myself up, and finally got to the elephant sanctuary. What a relief to have a break from all the shopping.
- Afternoon: Elephants. Gentle giants. Tears streaming down my face as I help wash, feed, and basically hang out with the elephants. And the elephants were amazing, beautiful.
- Evening: Walked to the beach, listened to the waves.
Day 5: Departure - So Long, Phuket!
- Morning: Packing. Realize I have way too many souvenirs. Try to cram everything into the suitcase. Fail miserably.
- Afternoon: Last Pad Thai. Tears. (Okay, maybe just a little bit. The food, the weather, the elephants.)
- Evening: Head to the airport. Leave with a few more souvenirs than I arrived with, a sunburn, and a lifetime of memories.
Quirks and Observations (aka, the Random Stuff):
- Mosquito Madness: I swear, Phuket mosquitos are out for blood. I've got more bites than I have mosquito repellent.
- The Language Barrier: My attempt at Thai is atrocious. I mostly mumble and point. It seems to work… most of the time.
- Cats. Everywhere: There are cats. Just, everywhere. They're cute, fluffy, and probably plotting my demise.
- Motorbikes: Seriously considering learning how to drive one. Also, seriously questioning my life choices.
- Emotional Response: Phuket has this way of making you feel everything. The good, the bad, and the downright weird. It has been a wild ride. And, you know what? I wouldn't change a single, slightly singed, mosquito-bitten, slightly-hungover moment.
In Conclusion:
This trip wasn't perfect. It was messy, chaotic, and occasionally terrifying. But it was also pure, unadulterated life. And that, my friends, is the best kind of vacation, even when you're slightly terrified by both the ocean and yourself. Would I go back? Without a doubt. But next time, I'm bringing more sunscreen. And maybe a crash course in Thai. And definitely less booze. Probably. Maybe. We'll see.
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Alright, let's address the elephant in the room: the 'Paradise' claim. Frankly, it's a marketing tactic. It’s Phuket, not Eden. There are things that make it paradise-ish though. Waking up to the sound of the ocean? Paradise. Fresh pineapple from a beachfront vendor? Paradise. The questionable aroma mentioned earlier? Not paradise. It’s more like… reality. But still, generally speaking, it's pretty darn good.
The location… okay, here’s the deal. Being close to Patong Beach is like having a crazy, boisterous best friend you love but also need a break from. You’re right there, practically stumbling distance, to everything – the beach, the Bangla Road madness, the delicious (and sometimes questionably sourced) street food. This is great for late night snacks after a few cocktails – or a few too many! The downfall…Patong is a sensory OVERLOAD. Constant noise, throngs of people, and the occasional questionable aroma. It can be exhausting. I was literally exhausted after a day of it. Good thing the hotel was a bit of an oasis, offering the calm I needed.
The rooms? Okay, let’s be brutally honest. They weren’t the Ritz. But they were clean. Always a plus, especially after a sweaty day exploring. The air conditioning? Godsend. Seriously, Phuket humidity is no joke. The bed was comfortable enough to collapse into after a day of walking. One tiny tip I would make! If you value your sanity, ask for a room that isn’t right, in your face with the pool area. That area could get *lively*. I'm talking kids splashing, music blasting, the whole shebang. My first night? I was craving a peaceful sleep. I swear I could still hear the water in the morning. Next stay, I'll book a quieter room. Trust me on this.
Oh, the pool. The siren song of the swim-up bar. Yes, I used it. *Extensively*. I'm pretty sure I developed webbed feet. The pool itself? Lovely! Clear water, perfectly refreshing after a hot day. And the swim-up bar? A blessing and a curse. The cocktails? Delicious. The prices? Slightly…aggressive. Let's just say my bank account is still recovering. I remember sitting there, sun-drenched and happy, ordering another round of Mai Tais, thinking, "This is the life!" And then, checking my bill. Oops! Still worth it, though. You can't put a price on poolside bliss, right? Right?!
Okay, the food. The breakfast buffet… Ugh. It was there. It had options. It was… filling. Let's just say it wasn't the highlight of my culinary adventure. Plenty of questionable sausages and the kind of scrambled eggs that’s been sitting there…a while. My strategy was to load up on fresh fruit (mangoes! Papayas!) and maybe a made-to-order omelet if I was feeling brave. For other meals? RUN, don’t walk, to the street food stalls and local restaurants. Patong is a *treasure trove* of deliciousness. I’m talking Pad Thai that'll change your life, Massaman curry that'll have you drooling, and enough fresh seafood to make Poseidon jealous. I tried some really questionable things at the market. Some I will not repeat, and some that were so damn good I didn't care. Skip the hotel restaurant unless you're truly desperate. You’ll thank me later.
Family-friendly… YES. Very. I mean, kids EVERYWHERE. Which is great if you love kids! I personally enjoy peace when I'm on vacation. I'm not going to bash any of them. I just know that if you're looking for a quiet, romantic escape, consider somewhere else. Think more 'family fun zone' and less 'private paradise'. I did manage to find my own peace and quiet in the pool. You can't blame me for not wanting to socialize with them.
Okay, so what to do. BEACH! Obviously. Patong Beach is right there. Bangla Road… experience it. Once. Maybe twice. It’s a sensory overload, a neon-lit circus, and it’s… well, it’s something. You’ll either love it or hate it. Me? I was both fascinated and slightly terrified. Day trips are a must! Phi Phi Islands are GORGEOUS (though seriouslyWhere To Stay Now
